Nissan Altima 2.5 S

[steaner]

it gets tough to come up with new and fresh ways to make a vehicle sound interesting. Well that's not entirely true; we can ramble on and on like crazed fanboys when we get behind the wheel of something totally rad like an Audi RS4. But when it comes to "average" sedans like the new Nissan Altima 2.5 S, our job just gets difficult.

Really, what is there to say about Nissan's new Altima that can't be said about most other sedans? We can take any sedan review out there on the interweb, cut out certain parts and paste them here, and we'd likely have a pretty accurate review of the new Altima. But as interesting as a totally nonsensical and disjointed article about a Hyundai Accord sounds, the resulting review would in actuality be as plain as Jan Brady eating a Wonder Bread sandwich while driving a beige Buick. So we thought we would try to find some ways to give these reviews some pizzaz - a written form of "jazz hands", if you will. We're looking for new ways to make stories like this interesting to read, or at the very least, make this article enjoyable for us to write.

We're still hardcore fans of the old skateboard magazine Big Brother, so we toyed around with trying to "bite" that magazine's style. But we're not as talented or as gnar gnar as Carn Carn (or Gary, for that matter), nor do we have the free reign to create an article filled with "poop" references, so we tossed that idea in the can. We then thought about trying to copy our current all-time favorite automotive writer - Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson. But that type of writing style is also a no-go as we genuinely can't think of anything negative to say about the French. Maybe if and when we actually go to the land of Napoleon, cheese and wine (and surrender monkeys!) we'll have some Clarkson-like insights about the country, which in turn will allow us to write a proper Clarkson-style review.

Without a clear direction as to where we want to go, we're left toying with the idea of doing a review consisting of nothing but bullet points. We ran this idea by our bosses, but they said that we need to fill this space up with words - the more the better. We'll do our best to satisfy our desire to be lazy and find some sort of way to hit the required word count. We figure that the best way to do this is to focus on just the things that really stood out about the new four-cylinder Altima.




Nissan Altimas are odd automobiles; they either look pretty decent or they look like total rental cars. A silver V6-powered Altima with 17-inch wheels looks pretty good, but we didn't get one of those. The pale metallic green sedan we have - complete with massive fender gaps and ultra-high profile 60-series tires - looks like it's missing its "Hertz" tag on the boot lid. We understand that we're not the coolest guys on the block, but when we get behind the wheel of this particular Altima, it feels like we go from being Fonzie to Dwight from The Office. A brown tie also magically appears around our neck the minute our hands touch the Altima's steering wheel. It's eerie.

That said, given just how "sensible" this car feels, guys like Dwight may just be the base Altima's target demo. This sedan may very well be the least sporty vehicle in Nissan's lineup, but it is incredibly comfortable. The suspension is soft, the CVT is surprisingly smooth, and the 170 horsepower engine has just enough power to let the car move at a safe and sensible pace and get 25 mpg in mixed driving. We don't know how to smoothly transition to this next thought, so we'll just blurt it out: damn the brakes are grabby. We get a serious case of whiplash every time we press down on the "stop" pedal.




Compared to the last-gen Altima, the interior is a huge step up in terms of quality and comfort. There's nothing really remarkable to be found in the cabin of the Altima, but at least it's a pretty nice - if not plain - place to be. Driving the Altima is kind of like driving your couch: it's quiet, squishy and soft, and you can sit there all day and not feel fatigued. We're jaded bastards when it comes to all things automotive, but we have to take a minute to give Nissan props for making the ride so comfy. Well... front seat passengers will be fine, but the lack of headroom in the rear makes the backseats suitable only for children and the really short.

In conclusion, Nissan's new Altima is good, but much like this review, it certainly isn't exciting. The sedan is a competent piece of machinery, and outside of the fact that it's a bit boring, we can't think of one real negative thing to say about it. It's economical, it's comfortable and it's got four doors - what else do you expect from a sedan?